Claim: “I’m no expert.”
Who said it: Hunter Biden, the Los Angeles-based artist and “former” crackhead who previously served as a senior adviser to the White House, in a recent interview exchange with a Gen-Z YouTuber about how to make crack from powder cocaine, as well as the differences between the two drugs. He is the 55-year-old boy-child of former president Joe Biden.
Context: During the interview with Andrew Callaghan of Channel 5, Hunter explained that crack cocaine is made from heating powder cocaine in a jar with baking soda. “I don’t want to tell people how to make crack cocaine, but it literally is a mayonnaise jar of cocaine and baking soda,” he said.
Hunter went on to make the case that crack cocaine was by far the superior drug because, among other reasons, smoking crack gives you a “more immediate euphoric sensation” compared to snorting cocaine. He argued that smoking crack was actually clean and safe compared to more popular alternatives.
“Does crack cocaine make you act any differently? No. Is it safer than alcohol? Probably,” he said. “People think of crack as being dirty. It’s the exact opposite. When you make crack, what you’re doing is you’re burning off all the impurities so that it combines with the sodium bicarbonate [baking soda], which makes it smokable, that’s all.”
The legendary crackhead spoke passionately about the benefits of smoking crack, but claimed he didn’t want to “get into the psychology of it, because I’m no expert.”
Analysis: We asked Biff Diddle, the Washington Free Beacon‘s resident scholar in illicit substances and nontraditional sex work, what he thought of Hunter’s description of how to make crack. “Yep, that’s about right,” Diddle said in an interview. “You’ll need to add some water to the mix, warm at first, then cold to help it solidify. That’s how you get a firm cookie brick for some phat buttery rock. I’d probably use a Pyrex measuring cup instead of a goddamn mayonnaise jar, but to each their own. I probably wouldn’t bang my brother’s widow, either, but at least that Hallie broad was attractive. You know what I’m saying?”
We consulted Hunter’s 2021 memoir, Beautiful Things, to see what else he’s had to say about being a crackhead. By his own telling, Hunter is one of the most prolific and knowledgeable consumers of crack cocaine in world history, and perhaps the only one with degrees from Yale and Georgetown. If this guy isn’t qualified to be an “expert” on crack production and the immeasurable joy of crack consumption, no one is.
“The sensation is one of utter, almost otherworldly well-being,” Hunter writes. “You are at once energetic, focused, and calm. Blood rushes to every extremity; your skin ripples with what feels like bumblebees. Eyes get jangly yet stay alert. Eardrums compress to the point that every sound pours through with such intensity—like a shot through a rifle barrel—that you think you’re having auditory hallucinations. You’re actually just hearing with hypersensitivity—you’re a field dog.”
Hunter imagines that his critics wouldn’t think he was such a loser if they “knew how good it makes you feel” to press that hot pipe to your lips, taste the heat inside your mouth, the smoke stinging your lungs, that torch-blast body rush, the sensation “of being instantly transported—at something like warp speed, as if riding bareback on a rocket ship—to some far-off, beautiful place.”
The fiend recalls how his crack dealer Rhea, aka Bicycles, taught him how to cook his own product until he eventually graduated into “crackology’s Ph.D. program.” He holed up in the Chateau Marmont in Los Angeles for six weeks, learning to cook his own crack under the tutelage of a skateboarder-turned-car-thief named Honda. “With a room right by the pool, I didn’t leave the Chateau’s lush hillside ground for a week or more at a time,” he writes. “I cooked and smoked, cooked and smoked.”
Hunter claims to have been a really great cook on account of his high LSAT score. He describes the amounts of crack he was smoking as “astounding—even death-defying.” Jim Morrison, the drug-addled Doors frontman, was “a fucking piker compared to my shenanigans,” the crackhead boasts. There certainly seems to be a genetic component to the Biden family’s horrendously inflated sense of self-regard. Sleepy Joe genuinely believes he was one of the greatest presidents of all time, while Hunter considers himself the coolest person to ever use drugs.
He’s actually just a spoiled asshole, but there’s no doubt that he’s an expert when it comes to crack.
Verdict: We rate this claim Four Flaming Clintons.
