I find myself once again appalled at the state of modern discourse. The filth-rags – what I call any newspaper that isn’t the New European – have decided that the UK’s attorney general, Lord Richard Hermer, is somehow overstepping the limits of his power.
What absolute hogwash! All Lord Hermer (‘Rich’ to his friends) has done is give himself a veto on any government decision that he deems illegal. Lay people are apparently wincing at the idea that an unelected government lawyer could effectively cancel any government policy that he disagrees with. Let them wince. Rich has gracefully placed himself on the shoulder of UK prime minister Keir Starmer, a courteous legal conscience to guide his old friend through the minefield of modern lawmaking.
More power to their elbows, I say. I’ve known the human-rights boys, Keir and Rich, for years, stretching back to our days working at the bar together. While I was acting for a certain male pop star who got into a spot of bother with HMRC, Rich was bravely sticking up for the human rights of foreign terrorists. Rich did such a marvellous job in 2009 of defending Abid Naseer, the ringleader of an al-Qaeda terror cell in north-east England, that the CPS decided not to press charges. Sadly, in 2015, a US court proved less enlightened, and sentenced Naseer to 40 years in prison for plots to blow up, among other targets, a dreadful shopping centre in Manchester.
Poor Rich was less successful representing Rangzieb Ahmed in 2020. Rich claimed that Ahmed, a mere al-Qaeda chief linked to the 7/7 London bombings, was due compensation from the British state for his torture at the hands of the Pakistani security services. The High Court, to its shame, didn’t agree.
That all happened back when Rich, like Keir, was still wielding the might of international law at the bar. Now, after Keir made Rich the attorney general, Rich is being accused of getting too big for his boots by the filth rags and their swinish readers. And all because he has been telling the entire elected government that it has to report to him before it makes laws.
Some oikish critics claim that giving an unelected lawyer power over the government is anti-democratic. But they clearly don’t understand the rule of law. This hallowed principle of the English constitution firmly puts lawyers in charge. It means that you should never criticise what a lawyer says or does. Don’t like the sentence passed by a judge? Tough! That’s the rule of law. Annoyed that judges prevent elected politicians from legislating on behalf of those they represent? Back off! That’s the rule of law.
Our constitution is built on the fundamental truth that lawyers know better than everyone else. That is why the extension of the franchise was, in my view, a historic mistake. Lawyers could have designed a perfect society if it wasn’t for the (not-so-)great unwashed demanding a say. One day we will do away completely with democratic accountability, and judges across the world will be free to decide what everyone can and cannot do forever and ever. Bliss.
Until then, I am glad Rich has inserted himself firmly in the annals of government. Thank goodness he was there to stop our appalling military helping those disgusting Americans bomb the thriving Iranian nuclear programme. Had it not been bombed, it could have delivered safe and reliable power to the Iranian people for generations. I for one am glad that international law played such an effective role in keeping our nation’s warplanes away from Iran’s innocent nuclear sites.
International law really helps you see the wood for the trees when it comes to international relations. Special mention must go to the international lawyers trying to get Hamas removed from Britain’s list of proscribed terrorist organisations. This is a long overdue corrective to those who claim that 7 October 2023, the worst massacre of Jews since the Holocaust, was carried out by ‘terrorists’ rather than resistance fighters.
That’s what international lawyers do – they bring moral clarity to politics. This is why Rich’s influence in government should be cherished. Keir will allow him to keep a sharp eye on his motley crew of elected ministers and make sure they don’t step out of line. Hopefully one day Rich will veto the idea of any further elections, too, so lawyers like us can finally get on with ruling, free of the meddlesome people.
As told to Luke Gittos
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