National healing begins as CNN realizes waterboarding is cool now
The same mainstream media titans who spent the better part of two decades denouncing Dick Cheney as a treasonous war criminal, coup-plotter, cyborg demon, literally Darth Vader, and the bastard offspring of Adolf Hitler and Satan himself, found spiritual clarity on Thursday during the former vice president’s funeral. As mourners gathered to celebrate the beloved neocon’s life on Earth and ascension into the heavenly kingdom, Cheney’s former critics offered fawning praise for his “loyalty,” “rectitude,” and “mature judgment” in the face of adversity.
It’s a common phenomenon. Because journalists and their Democratic allies naturally regard current Republican leaders as the single greatest threat to civilization, the former leaders they once condemned as evil are eventually recast as reasonable statesmen, if not courageous heroes.
CNN led the charge, performing a kind of on-air ideological baptism. “Preparedness, mature judgment, rectitude, and loyalty,” declared CNN political director David Chalian. “And that last one of loyalty, I think, coursed through so many of the remembrances today.”
Timothy Naftali, CNN’s presidential historian and part-time moral therapist, marveled at Cheney’s early support for same-sex marriage. He compared the Cheney family’s evolution to America’s own “powerful and important change.”
“One got the sense that he was not making these arguments, Cheney wasn’t, for personal gain, for the desire to win a trophy or a prize or a matter of vainglory,” Naftali said. “And that was the kind of man he was.”
Karen Travers of ABC News got swept up in the mood, too, praising Cheney because he “truly believed in the conservative principles that he fought for and defended,” something ABC journalists have always respected about Republicans.
Over on MS NOW (we’re still getting used to it, too), presidential historian Lindsay Chervinsky called Cheney “by far the most powerful vice president we have ever had.” Contributor Jonathan Alter went further, proclaiming that “he passed the great character test of our generation.” We presume he was referring to the time Cheney helped America heal after 9/11 by killing lots of terrorists and striking fear in the hearts of our enemies.
A fitting tribute all around. All Americans—even the filthy journalists—have come to realize that our country will achieve even greater greatness if we model ourselves after Dick Cheney, the virtuous vice. Somewhere behind the veil, “America’s Dick” is smiling—and cleaning his shotgun.
